i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
tell ils to like buy her flowers and like a balloon that says, sorry I tried to fuck your sister. I think hallmark makes some of those cards too.
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Best feeling in the world is getting a random boob pic from a drunk chick at 3 am.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I'm waiting for your stupid pizza and this 400 lb drunk man is behind me singing the acapella version of Elevation by U2
Shut up. You had me at killer robots. Your place or mine?
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
Just in case you blacked out, we had sex, you came in me, we need plan B, we fell off your top bunk, broke your roommates chair, i still like you, but i'm in pain and am going to bed
Randomize
