I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs
i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world
She's dressed as Musafa. How could this not be a good idea?
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
I woke up naked and surrounded by M&Ms
Im pretty sure I didnt bang him becasue I woke up at 6am to him jerking off with a fleshlight right next to me in bed ... He made himself cum and was moaning my name ... MOST AKWARD EXPIERENCE OF MY LIFE
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
