you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
And you seriously thought you could just walk in naked with a bow tied around your penis?
It seemed like a good idea at the time...
I know right, I would blow him just for the satisfaction he would taste like vodka
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