Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
somehow this turned into a costume party you have to get here now with my banana suit or I'm wearing my birthday suit
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
You didnt text me.. I'm on your street with golf clubs
Got her pregnant in a minivan. Circle of life.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
Randomize
