There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Just had a nice conversation with my landlord while cleaning your puke off my car
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
We are keeping it ultra classy drinking 40s and playing croquet with 90s rap blasting in the back ground
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just laying in bed with my vibrator eating cold tortillas and listening to Savage Garden.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I love friends. Friendship is wonderful. I wish the rain was my friend
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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