dude..why do i always have to pick up the kitty litter after you drink?
My valentine's day: watching The Notebook, and porn, eating chocolate, and ice cream. All while jacking off.
Wow... you've managed to cover all of the sad girl stereotypes that exist.
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...
He's the fucking cop whisperer.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Let's just wait to see what happens before we start making radical plans and starting fires
Can't tell if it's the drugs or science magic, but I *THINK* that mouse just turned into a squirrel.
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
Randomize
