hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands
Be here at 3:30. We'll find out how much beer can fit in a Mini Cooper.
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Oh like it's the first time I've had a bowl of wine
IF THE SUNS NOT EVEN OUT THEN WHY IS HIS DICK OUT WTF
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
I just used a bag of jelly beans as an arm weight...I'm not sure what to think of myself
Randomize
