All I wanted to tell you is that I fucked a guy covered in fake blood, who circumcised himself.
My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
He was making Jim beam nachos. Chips soaked in whiskey with cheese
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
Why let a Christmas Eve hangover ruin a perfectly good Christmas Day acid trip?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
My boss just texted me, clearly drunk, and said get down here pronto with a handle of rum, 50 lbs. of cold cuts, and a BB gun. This is not why I went to law school.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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