I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
Oh no...did you put star fish over your nipples again?
Your cat ate my taco.
. . . I don't have a cat?
It was laying in your bed. Now it's hunting for more tacos.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
Randomize
