I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I'm writing off my condom expenses in my taxes
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
He gives me the same feeling I get when someone puts a margarita or German chocolate cake in front of me
i feel like doing his laundry was not included in the job description when we became fuck buddies.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
