No stitches, just platelets and will power
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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