can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
Sober January is a disaster.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.
I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
Seeing the pictures of him and i, I'm giving whiskey the win on this one. Definitely had beer goggles.
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
he threw an umbrella that he ripped out of the table at the fence like he was harpooning a whale while the owner of the bar was outside then tried to blame it on an old man...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
