Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
Finally another gay clarinet player. They're surprisingly rare.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
what could you have possibly accomplished by watching 6 hours of a mythbusters marathon
well, i added sex in a wind tunnel to my bucket list
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
what do u think we would be doing right now if we were together
Urinating on unicorns
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