So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together
On my list on ridiculous morning after bus rides home, still sopping wet and carrying a giant straw hat is definitely top five
I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.
She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.
I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."
I mean like if I stood up my head might pull me down like an anchor
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
please tell me you're the one making all the weird noise in the yard..
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
