life lesson #1: a fart during an awkward silence between 2 strangers doesnt make it less awkward.
I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
I just paid $5 for a shot of el toro and the bartender wasn't even hot. Rock bottom.
Is a Chipotle burrito an acceptable "sorry I ran over your cat" gift?
Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Made a holiday JibJab of all my fucks. How's your night?
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
This strip club is mediocre. Talent is fine. Fung shui is bad.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Randomize
