let me put this in terms we both understand. he was the crunchwrap supreme of men--the perfect combo of all things manly, gooey and delicious. and ready for instant enjoyment.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Tell me why I keep soberly hesitating to go pee in fear of breaking the seal. Thank you college.
Dude she looks like a female richard gere plus 400 pounds.
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Fairly certain I cracked a rib. Masturbation is not for the weak. I die now.
I'm sad that I feel like I need to temporarily change your name in my phone from Smashley until you have the baby and can be unsober with us again.
Three Asian guys got on the elevator with a handle of Hennessey and a sleeping bag. This is not the start of a joke.
Why was I drunk tweeting incorrect Beyonce lyrics last night?
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
Day drunk. He was sitting in the back seat, opened the door, leaned out, and peed right there in the dutch bros drive through. No one even noticed haha
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
