my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Don't worry I drank 7 more beers & brought home a guy that bit me at the bar.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
Came out of blackout state to the curtains torn down & the headboard laid on top of him. & yes he was still breathing
And thank god for autocorrect cuz I can't even think in English let alone spell in it right now.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
Randomize
