i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?
please be gone before i get back
Did you see 7 ppl got hurt at Talladaga?
Did they get their mullets stuck in an engine?
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.
i woke up in the fire place with a lighter in my hand. if i would have died the night would have made up for it.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Walking into class right now and I swear to god I smoked down the substitute teacher we have at a party I went to last week
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
OF COURSE I FUCKED HIM! Did you not read the part about him having red and green Christmas condoms?
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
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