Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
Dude just bought condoms some sad fuck next to me buying a pregnancy test he gave me a look like he'd pay me millions to switch places
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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