i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
So after I was tied with a feather boa he left me there with KFC and cherry coke
so why was i the only one who woke up with ham stuck to my ass?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
He said I showed up in just my underwear and a bunch of towels I stole from the party I was at.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
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