Whats contracted in vegas does not stay in vegas....
Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
Also, I might need your help for a prank involving a hand puppet, a coke bottle, double-sided tape, and my dick...
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
If a girl called me a promiscuous philandering Casanova, should I say thank you?
Most definitely.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
There is a reason my most meaningful relationship since 2012 has been with Duracel...
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
Randomize
