He is like the real live version of the state fair..
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Im thinking about quitting weed for my dog
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
Can I use your baby to go shoplifting?
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
I accidentally made jungle juice last night.
Sorry for face licking, I probably won't do it again.
Also, I love cats. I sat on the floor and they sat with me.
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
Randomize
