Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
Does anyone remember last night? Because I still don't know why I now own a goldfish and a ceiling fan made of pizza?
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
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