HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.
She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.
She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
i don't know why he's complaining, i'm the one with four hickeys on my ass.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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