i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
i hope the fucking fire crotch burns his mouth
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
that almost beats the chick I saw smoking a joint while uni-cycling past my house at 4am. Almost.
I feel like my vagina was just in a fistfight.
After the first time we had sex he kept saying "I'm proud of you" over and over again
Underoos and an IDGAF attitude: all you need to successfully win at life
(Underoos optional)
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
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