I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I don't even know what beauty is right now. I wouldn't even pity fuck me today.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
in the future when you find clothing in your street, just assume it's mine.
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
When dealing with embarassing medical issues, don't you want your brother's wife to be the one fishing around up your ass?
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
I'm surprised this is your first encounter with pepper spray. surprised, and somewhat proud.
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
Randomize
