If the pens lose tonight I'm gonna drive to Detroit and burn 8 mile to the ground.
Actually I may do that regardless. Probably get my own holiday.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Why are my keys in the refrigerator?
You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.
This explains so much.
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
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