Police were just in my backyard to recover a loaded .38. What the fuck?????
Do you think there is vodka in heaven?
you let me eat a milky way from your vagina. G is not lettin you hang out for eternity
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
We can get drunk and battle coyotes
You're too drunk for my bullshit, and i'm too sober to put up with yours. I have no idea how you expect to find middle ground here.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
Is it bad I use my AA meeting to hookup with guys?
I will take a ruler to your dick so help me god
Had a dream last night that we survived the apocalypse. And we celebrated Christmas.
What did I get you?
A 12 gauge and a bottle of vodka that was waist high.
Sounds about right
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