What is this red stuff in a water bottle in my fridge that's labeled "not for baby turtles"?
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Got myself invited to boss's family dinner party, drank too much, and fucked boss's brother in his parent's house. Just another Wednesday.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
my gyno just used the expression "dick around." too far?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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