highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
They are stoned and trying to learn sign language together. It's like watching a chimp waving at itself in a mirror.
But for real, I had the best sex of my life on that bunk bed
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
It was all good till you had ppl chasin shots of ciroc with fucking applesauce
to answer your questions bluetooth, 30ft, like a tampon, ask her, her idea, got tired of trying to find her in crowed clubs
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
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