gotta love it when a reminder comes up on your phone and u think u forgot about a meeting or something then u read it and its only to remind me to go to the titty bar at 3
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She goes outside, smokes 2 cigarettes, and insists on walking up the 7 flights of stairs so that her heart stays in shape. this woman is crazy.
I had to have the lights off to hide my face. I was laughing so hard I almost peed in her mouth
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
me + whiskey = a bad person
DUDE. HOLY FUCK MY PRINCIPAL WAS JUST MY UBER DRIVER. I AM LITERALLY TRAUMATIZED. ANS DRUNK. HOLY FUCK OMG
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
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