I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
he's doing fine. just headbutted the wall and threw up
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
Do you want me to add this to the list of actions I will state at your intervention
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Randomize
