I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
It's just like the Real World with babies
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
Randomize
