well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
I have one thing to say: spongebath.
I wish that wasn't all you had to say. And by that, I mean I wish you hadn't said that at all.
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I'll just be sleeping in this laundry room. Come get me at bar close.
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
He wants to tie me naked and spread out on his table, press a vibrator to my clit and feed me ice cream.
That is my stoner wet dream!
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
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