The walk of shame has never felt more glorious... I think it's the somberero
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
just found out i can blow out the flame on the grill lighter fill my mouth with butane and ignite a fireball
Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
You just thought it would be a good idea to show your penis to your best friend. No harm, no foul.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
I’ve jerked off three times and taken five shits already today. Being hung over in your 40’s is a fucking roller coaster.
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