u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.
I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.
It's time to run my sex life like a basketball team. Got the lesson Clint!
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
I mean his penis was perfect in pictures but its even more perfect inside me
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