Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.
Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
So high I started crying because I was proud of Snoop Dogg for becoming Snoop Lion
I watched her follow him out of the bar, chase him around the corner and literally throat punch him. It was awesome.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I walked into my room last night at 4 am and there's a random dude in his boxers eating oatmeal on my futon. I looked at him and went to bed
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
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