I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
I like to think of it as a lesbian feast.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
Ya i'm marrying the man who can hear/smell this level of flatulence and stick around
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