i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
Just left some random in my bed to go get mcdonalds breakfast. I'd say my priorities are on point.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
We've cranked the heat for blizzard versions of all of our strip games. Come over.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
