I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
aha we'll just say that my mind was so focused on A Bugs Life that it was hard to maintain an erection
"He was so not worth staining my backseat for."
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
But I only have 2 emotions angry and horny
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
Randomize
