Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."
because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
this lady just pulled corn on the cob out of her purse
People like that make this world a better place.
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
I'm assuming the reason my elbow is so sore has something to do with all the broken shot glasses eh?
Yep
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
Im wearing a bra. Made of paint.
There is a severe lack of banging on that itinerary... I'd like a revision on my desk within the hour
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Idk how much of a virgin he is but I'm tryna find out.
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
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