I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
Sorry I pissed in your dining room and kicked your best friend in the face while he was passed out.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Yea he called the cop officer fonzarelli and asked him if he was mad because happy days was off the air. Boom, beaten and arrested
I'm proud of you, you were pretty classy last night, you didn't puke AND you didn't take off your shirt, except for those two times in the corner.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain
Marry him now.
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
I had to explain to the doctor why I'm peeing blood. He still didn't believe a girl would have that much sex... You could feel the judgement forming in the room when I went into the details...
Damn, well a girls gotta get laid too
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
