That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains
Oh god our sink is a cavalcade of horrors. Brb sacrificing a goat and putting everything in the dishwasher forever
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
she cut her forehead open playing a drunken game of pin the tail on the donkey and now she's having a panic attack.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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