whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Last night I was this close to hooking up with someone called "Handjob Pat" dubbed for the time he paid $150 for a handjob in Canada.
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
You're a waste of cheezeits
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
Reasons why I'm always right: I am older, I am wiser, I have a larger penis
She fucked the dishwasher AND the manager.
Well, she isn't a classist. You've got to give her that.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Randomize
