i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
she's walking around the room telling people she can make the room move with her mind and then she shakes her head really fast yelling 'see?!'
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Not sure. He doesn't know where New York is on a map but he gives an incredible spanking.
Who cares about New York?
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
What does it mean when the government shuts down and your boyfriends wife wants a divorce ON YOUR BIRTHDAY?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Stop saving videos when you’re using my pornhub account!!! My girlfriend just tried to finger my butt because she thinks I’m into that
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