You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
So update from last night: I made friends with a coke dealer, I tore the card scanner off the wall of my dorm, and I passed out on our bathroom counter with my head in the sink.
He wants to hookup..at the fair..this is our chance to leave him stranded with no clothes.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
He got cut off by the bartender. So he kept buying people drinks of they would i get him a drink. Before you know it him and 8 people were outside the bat trying to get people. To by them drinks
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Is using La Croix as a mixer for vodka a legit way to reach my daily water consumption?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
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