the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I swear if you get so drunk that I have to sing Bohemian Rhapsody to you again to get you to come out of the bathroom I'm leaving you at the bar this time.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
So, I just ordered a breathalyzer for this weekend. I figured if I'm getting shitfaced, I should at least be scientific about it.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
