wait.. the condom broke. ehh whatever i think im already 2 months pregnant
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Randomize
