Goodnight my chunky, little, marshmallow muncher
No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?
Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"
He was THIS close.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Jimmy johns delivers to the bar behind work. Happy vodka day!
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
