you got kicked out last night because right after you said "whats up?" to us, you downed your whole vodka ton and threw it across the bar.
I woke up covered in my own vomit with a pocket full of napkins. I guess I knew I would need them, but was not coherent enough to use them before passing out.
I didn't realize he wasn't circumcised... it looked like the Unibomber...
Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
Just found a rebirth in peppermint schnapps. May be able to stay up all night and finish this paper after all. MERRY CHRISTMAS
We had sex in Lake Michigan for an hour Sunday.
Thanks for ruining an entire lake for me. I hate you so much right now.
Randomize
