i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
Eric was just sitting there open-mouthed swallowing sake from that squirt bottle for so long the lady across from us leaned over to her kid and told him not to end up like "the big alcoholic one"
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
